[ For Casey x ]
The beautiful and damning thing about this life is how your heart can be pulled in every direction all at once and in a moment, it ends and you’re left less of an ache you thought would never pass but disappeared in an instant without a trace. As human beans we become the most real when we are feeling feelings that seem too immense for our heads and our hearts. It is the grey days absent from emotion that leave me more of a ghost than the noir nights that keep me awake deep into a new day. Tristesse reveals the silver outline of the rain as it pours down the glass of the lens of my eyes and that ever-real sensation of drowning in the depths of the ocean makes that inhale of bon-air that much more spectacular because that’s when you know you’re a success, you made it, you won.
For all the hours, weeks and years I’ve spent trapped inside the world within my imagination. For all the occasions I’ve convinced myself that I’m unique in my loneliness and inadequacies and self-doubt, I hope I can repay the world for ever single second spent living in false belief that I am insignificant. How fine is the line between ego and empowerment? All of this fleeting enlightenment would be wasted if I didn’t write a reminder to reflect on one day when we need it most: that everything you wish for is already within you, that the sheer existence of your desires was created from the cells that make you tangible, that if you let yourself regret any one of your actions or reactions then perhaps you wouldn’t be everything you are right now. Then perhaps we never would have met, and I, for one, treasure the honour of every encounter I have had in my life [ and I love you to the moon and back ].
Calendar days may not cure your heartache, but there is comfort in remembering that in the delicate balance of this life, sadness will compliment the joy and solitude will be levelled out by the time you spend with the world. Love is a miracle and maybe I am an incurable romantic but you deserve magic. You deserve to feel something so real you can see it. I couldn’t live with myself if I let myself settle for anything less than a miracle. For every disappointment, for every time panic grips your body by the heart, for every time you wake not knowing where or who or what you are – it will be outweighed by something so wonderful beyond your imagination. Hang in there, it’s worth it, I pinky swear.