# 78 || " BEING IS ALWAYS BECOMING "

Because apparently dreaming about writing is all I need to remind myself how much I love and miss letters turning into words turning into sentences turning into stories that don't make sense but are everything all at once. This year has been a ride, every day is one, but this year more than ever. Despite all of the change and the endless unfamiliar, I feel a new kind of stagnant. Maybe this is typical, when one makes the transition into superlate twenties but every so often I am reminded of the everpresent feeling of being a child trapped into a grown-up figure and fate. I don't think waiting to wake up and feel like the threads of my life have been pulled together overnight, and that there are no more secrets or sorrow left to slip past the stitches, is a bad thing necessarily. Perhaps all I can really do is remind myself that I wouldn't want to be any other version of myself, not even the intention that I visualise every night before I go to sleep. Not today, anyway. If I live my life, forever in a transition, forever with the resolution that I can and will be better every day, maybe that's a way of life.

How would you describe yourself in three words? How do you want others to describe you? How do you want to describe yourself? It's never quite fully registered to me that the answer is within me and my own potential. It's not a curse that I feel perpetually incomplete and somewhat inadequate but indeed regardless of mind over matter, I am complete. I am complete with the promise of amelioration. We all are, don't let yourself believe anything less than the everchanging prospects of each and every moment. 

 

Love, A x

# 77 || GOODBYE BLUE MONDAY

[ For Casey x ]

The beautiful and damning thing about this life is how your heart can be pulled in every direction all at once and in a moment, it ends and you’re left less of an ache you thought would never pass but disappeared in an instant without a trace. As human beans we become the most real when we are feeling feelings that seem too immense for our heads and our hearts. It is the grey days absent from emotion that leave me more of a ghost than the noir nights that keep me awake deep into a new day. Tristesse reveals the silver outline of the rain as it pours down the glass of the lens of my eyes and that ever-real sensation of drowning in the depths of the ocean makes that inhale of bon-air that much more spectacular because that’s when you know you’re a success, you made it, you won.

For all the hours, weeks and years I’ve spent trapped inside the world within my imagination. For all the occasions I’ve convinced myself that I’m unique in my loneliness and inadequacies and self-doubt, I hope I can repay the world for ever single second spent living in false belief that I am insignificant. How fine is the line between ego and empowerment? All of this fleeting enlightenment would be wasted if I didn’t write a reminder to reflect on one day when we need it most: that everything you wish for is already within you, that the sheer existence of your desires was created from the cells that make you tangible, that if you let yourself regret any one of your actions or reactions then perhaps you wouldn’t be everything you are right now. Then perhaps we never would have met, and I, for one, treasure the honour of every encounter I have had in my life [ and I love you to the moon and back ].

Calendar days may not cure your heartache, but there is comfort in remembering that in the delicate balance of this life, sadness will compliment the joy and solitude will be levelled out by the time you spend with the world. Love is a miracle and maybe I am an incurable romantic but you deserve magic. You deserve to feel something so real you can see it. I couldn’t live with myself if I let myself settle for anything less than a miracle. For every disappointment, for every time panic grips your body by the heart, for every time you wake not knowing where or who or what you are – it will be outweighed by something so wonderful beyond your imagination. Hang in there, it’s worth it, I pinky swear.

Love,

A x