O. 09.19
Soon, it will feel like you were a dream (or a ~sometimes nightmare~). I wouldn't pinky swear on it, but time does cure ~most~ heartaches and will crush the lust into dust one day at a time. Because I truly believe, that in several seconds or perhaps several seasons, I might forget how wretched it was when it felt like I was losing everything I loved. Again. The penetrating fear of cherished comfort dissipating into a void of nothing, back to my default equilibrium of indifference and impassivity - perhaps metaphorically for one last blurry recollection of red wine and cigarettes and wishing the night would never end. For it was, and always is absolutely perfect, just as you are - flaws, fractures and all.
-O. 08.09
Once upon a time, when I was a little girl, my mother told me she didn't believe in pride, that it manufactured ego and arrogance and you could only ever be ~happy~ for somebody but never proud of or praised for anything, ever. With that fostering came a heightened sense of place and belonging, in every state and circumstance that I would find myself situated in. In the thick of a crowd or even when I'm all alone, I feel the weight and presence of my being in the air, my aura and energy pulsating through and out of my fingertips back into the earth. I try not to take anything for granted, the ecstasy is emphasised and it seems consecutively I am trying to exercise complete and utter gratitude for the moment, impress every detail to my memory and clasp my arms around that very instant and never let go. Once upon a time I used to think that the chance of one rhapsodic moment was a privilege that wasn't to be taken for granted, but now I want more, I want that magic to be part of my every day. Is that too much to ask?
I. 10.19
Let's start this moment on a rooftop bar in Los Angeles with wet hair, truffles fries and a glass of wine. The appreciation for everything, the every day love, the kindness and the compassion, it comes in waves and I am so utterly ashamed at its whimsy and my inability to recognise your benevolence all the time, at every moment or every day. I am so, so, so lucky - and perhaps for every time my heart feels like it's shattering into a zillion pieces, I am blessed with an instant so inexpressibly extraordinary I wish I could melt into the moment and become one with the magic. When we were flying down the freeway en route to Milwaukee, the best pumpkin spice lattes in the world and the biggest bottle of red wine you ever did see, sharing cheesecake with iced lattes, watching the sun rise and set on the rooftop and when the climax of a song strikes you right in the centre of your heart. Maybe it will only ever be the little moments that hold it all together, whilst they simultaneously threaten to make it all fall apart at any moment. I don't know if it's because often I don't feel like I really belong anywhere, that I feel both at home and displaced just about everywhere. Soon, it will feel like you were a dream (or a ~sometimes nightmare~). I wouldn't pinky swear on it, but time does cure ~most~ heartaches and will crush the lust into dust one day at a time. Because I truly believe, that in several seconds or perhaps several seasons, I might forget how wretched it was when it felt like I was losing everything I loved. Again. The penetrating fear of cherished comfort dissipating into a void of nothing, back to my default equilibrium of indifference and impassivity - perhaps metaphorically for one last blurry recollection of red wine and cigarettes and wishing the night would never end. For it was, and always is absolutely perfect, just as you are - flaws, fractures and all.
La Science des rêves (The Science of Sleep)
- Stéphanie: So I get it, so you don’t want to be my friend anymore?
- Stephane: No! I don’t want to be your friend anymore! I don’t want to be your friend anymore! Do I have to nail it on your door? “I don’t want to be your friend.”
- Stéphanie: No, you can’t, you can’t stop being my friend. It’s not something people can decide.
- Stephane: Oh yeah, they can. People have an argument and they stop talking to each other.
- Stéphanie: Okay, then let’s have a date or something and we can talk about things if that’s what you want.
- Stephane: What’s the point? you’ll just want me as your friend and then you’ll have a really nice boyfriend and that will kill me.
-O. 08.09
Once upon a time, when I was a little girl, my mother told me she didn't believe in pride, that it manufactured ego and arrogance and you could only ever be ~happy~ for somebody but never proud of or praised for anything, ever. With that fostering came a heightened sense of place and belonging, in every state and circumstance that I would find myself situated in. In the thick of a crowd or even when I'm all alone, I feel the weight and presence of my being in the air, my aura and energy pulsating through and out of my fingertips back into the earth. I try not to take anything for granted, the ecstasy is emphasised and it seems consecutively I am trying to exercise complete and utter gratitude for the moment, impress every detail to my memory and clasp my arms around that very instant and never let go. Once upon a time I used to think that the chance of one rhapsodic moment was a privilege that wasn't to be taken for granted, but now I want more, I want that magic to be part of my every day. Is that too much to ask?
I. 10.19
home is where i feel the every day love
home is where my sister is
home is where the sun shines
home is where i can see the sea
home is in your voice
home is when i miss you
"Love is so short, forgetting is so long."
I'll see you on the other side of the rainbow. Love, A x
