#93 || Starry Haze, Crystal Ball

'Take-Off And Landing'

 

Perhaps my grad dip was a big effing waste of time, because I don’t love airplanes anymore. The static, the humming, the sound of wind being mechanically propelled into the atmosphere and wheels thumping against the tarmac are all associated with the souls that abandoned me. I don’t think I think about them individually as often as I used to, over time they’ve merged into an achy blur but it still stings the inner corners of my eyeballs when I let my mind wonder why. Why wasn’t I worthy of rememberance? That feeling of feeling so loved and then it all disappearing in an instant - the epitome of too good to be true. Nothing lasts forever. I used to dream of a heart this hard but now I’m scared it will never be soft again. “I love you” doesn’t sound the same leaving my lips as it did before. It is still sincere but I don’t feel it like I did before, I don’t feel the circumference of my heart tugging in every corner, I don’t feel desperate, and I can’t imagine ever feeling like that again.

My life up until now was derived by daydreams that I turned into reality all by myself, and as spectacular as that sounds, it has been at the cost of a lot of sadness and disappointment. But acknowledging this gives me confidence in plotting my next chapter, because I’ve always made it happen and that is what is so special about me, that is my superpower. I create my own current, I am in control even when it seems like I’m not and I am an entity entirely on my own.

While my heart is hard, it can feel warm and I think a lot of things do make me feel warm, which is equally incredible. It’s the momentary love, free from promise and chagrin, free from betrayal. It is the unspoken I-love-you’s, it’s the ease and comfort of coming home to wash the day away and wake up in my cloud-like bedroom as a new little baby bird.

Did this even make any sense? Watch this space.

XOXO, Afifa

#92 || Emergence-Sea

emergence | ɪˈməːdʒ(ə)ns |
noun [mass noun]
1 the process of becoming visible after being concealed: I misjudged the timing of my emergence.

The ladies in the office tell me about their daughters. As they speak my fingernails press into my palms and I hold my breath, wondering if this is the moment I will be made for the fraud that I am. A quasi-adult smearing concealer on her face with her fingers, before standing in front of her wardrobe trying to figure out what people wear to work on a Monday morning. As they speak of electives and hormones and evening spats before bed, an ache twinges in my heart when I remember being in the thick of adolescence, a phase I’ve never quite managed to escape. Teenage insecurities seem to have followed me into my thirties, finding any excuse to regress to the sullen, solemn little girl and on the bad days, it’s the only thing I feel like I have the potential to be. I murmur my sympathy as I remember my youth, a sentence made unbearable by none-other than myself.

I could describe it like a tamper, depressing my core beliefs into a compact sliver. Every feeling that somehow had to become a secret, simmering at the tip of my tongue, sometimes spilling out under the stars, encouraged by sips of red wine. I don’t remember any instance where I haven’t regretted unlocking the chains of my inner-self, I recall fragments of my heart left woven in the forgotten memories of souls I was foolish enough to believe were kindred. After all these years, I don’t think such a thing exists, I feel condemned to an archive of aquaintances. For the rest of my life.

2022 feels unimpressive, yet I have found this rhythm that is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It might be my own taste of adulthood :: bills, car keys and wilting leaves of basil in the refridgerator beside cartons of vanilla oat milk and pears that I bought in June. I fall asleep with the television on, the flickering of light from the living room lulling me to dreamtime next to a cold cup of herbal tea. I didn’t think I’d be so lonely all these years later, I thought it was just a phase.

[ i can't believe i haven't written here in over a year. updates: i don't really think about her too much anymore, not like that. i don't really think about anybody very much. REMINDER: everybody leaves, without exception. don't ever forget that, afifa-in-the-sky!!! ]

XX