# 68 || 'Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;'

It feels like a lifetime since I last wrote here. It has been such a curious year, the last twelve months seem like a dream and I don’t even know which rabbit hole Spring fell down but it seems like only yesterday that I watched the peach blossoms bloom in the garden and marvelled at the first balmy night I could wear a dress and Doc Martens out after sunset. 

For a little while, things seemed to be going down the wrong yellow-brick-road. But I am now realising that there is no right or wrong road, there is no ticking clock and there is no calibre living in a land where there is constant triumph. If anything, the victory is in the obstacles you overcame, however cosmic or compact. For me, courage and confidence is still something that seems to come in bursts, and needs consistent coaxing from my consciousness ( “you got this girl, go on, it’s okay, i pinky swear” ). 

While I’m writing this it doesn’t seem so hard. It never does if you’re dreaming when you should be doing, but sometimes there’s comfort within your best intentions. Isn’t it true that the bigger half of the fun lies in the pursuit rather than the possession? FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME, AFIFA-IN-THE-SKY, do not forget to count your blessings and overlook the things that you love most about la vie. You will have a future full of take offs and landings forever, coffees and coconut water, passport stamps, rosehip oil, summer nights, overcoats, cigarettes and the opportunity to cross paths with all sorts of special and interesting individuals.

I know, I know, life is a labyrinth and for all its complexity and for all its magic, I’m still not sure if I’m very good at nagivating this infinite jungle of lessons and love.  But for whatever it’s worth ( “if you knew how much these moments mean to me” ), I can only set intentions to be better and better every single day. I want to love more, quell my road rage and see the sea as often as I can. There is no such thing as “should have”, there is only will and bravery and the world is yours.

beso beso,

Afifa x

P.S. twentysixteen resolutions to come, I swear, this has always been one of my favourite times of the year. 

# 67 || "Nothing has changed, except everything."

15.6.15
There’s something about the sea, je ne sais quoi. I think this week was exactly what I needed to start all over again. Without realising, we’re all incredibly forgiving. For me, it’s how I wake up in the morning and swing my feet out from under the covers and greet the world for another new day. Dear Self, forgive me for the mistakes I made yesterday and the day before and last year and that time I cheated at checkers that night with my sister and the time I took the last piece of cake when I thought nobody was looking and blamed it on the cat. Forgiveness is all you’ve got when there’s nothing left to lose. Forgiveness is how you stretch and strengthen your heart.

Slap yourself on the face and remind yourself what is important in this life. Greenery and the sanctity of each individual and their emotional and physical needs, patience and kindness and everything Bon Iver said in that song. Sometimes when I think I can’t cope with it all, those alien days when I feel like I’m not meant to be a part of this earth, I wonder if solitary or societal living makes you a better person. I wonder why it’s so important to me when most days I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job at being a proper human being anyway. 

Acceptance is one thing, metamorphose is another. I am who I am, I’m a little bit bizarre, sometime shy sometimes not, I only like to do my favourite things half the time, I’m bittersweet and my head is so transfixed on what is staring at me point-blank, that I forget about dreams. I know, I know, I know — do you ever feel a little guilty for everything you know, yet curiosity or torpidity or idiocy even, gets the of you and you go ahead and trip in and over every possible mess that you ever could? Intention is something but it isn’t everything. I want to change more than anything. I want to be better than I am today. 

17.7.15
With eyes wide shut, everything is clearer than it was before.  Is there some kind of special meaning when you dream about certain places you thought you’d forgotten and everybody you met along the way? Last night there were guest appearances from people I hardly remember and it was beautiful, it set the scene for the rest of my life, I think. I used to be afraid of everyone but last night reminded me how charming it is to be the one initiating the eye smile and leaning in first for the cheek kiss.

One thing echoing in my head often as of late, is that cliché. Dear A, be yourself. Allow the aesthetic inspiration you see everywhere in the world to reflect in yourself but don’t let it make up everything you are. You are the first thought that crosses your mind in the morning and the last before you go to sleep, you are whatever comes to mind when you’re asked a question or see something that you think is beautiful, you are who you want and try to be if it is an attribute, not a noun.     

"My higher purpose in this life is love. Loving my friends and family, loving the universe, loving science, loving life itself. Just falling in love with everything I do. Life's so confusing and gets hard sometimes but I'm so thankful for this experience, it would be a disservice to how amazing it is and ungrateful of me to wish for anything more." --- Carl Sagan.

Isn't it crazy how your thoughts ebb and flow in a mere month? Let alone seven years. This journal is something I never want to erase. Because it all happened for a reason and it's never too late. Love, Afifa x

# 66 || LAISSER ALLER

It's almost winter and I'm wearing a coat I bought before embarking on a spontaneous over-the-sea adventure four years ago. It's almost winter and the density of my being is ever present on my mind, all day every day. It's almost winter and I'm not ready. For this, for anything. If you could pause time, I don't think I could get anything more than a deep breath in ... perhaps one out. It seems I've spent the start of this year trying to forget the last year. I thought I'd let it all go but now it's almost winter and all of those criss-cross-crazy emotions are haunting me once more.

In trying to forget, I'm trying to disappear. There is little meaning in anything and everything and while it's not a conscious resentment - I don't really like myself very much anymore. At one point, even when things were more grey than I ever thought possible, I didn't hate myself. Not truly. It was a childish sort of self-deprecation, but as the years go by and you can step outside yourself and see that your solitude is no longer your choice but the result of a cynicism so deep it threatens to shatter your bones with every step.

For the rest of this year, I resolve to find myself. To dream of the things I used to, to make plans to see places I've never seen before and walk cities I remember so fondly and talk to people I love more than words could ever say. 

( you know who you are )

xo,

A

# 65 || St. Clarity

Coming home from however far for however long isn’t usually like this. Often my first impression is underwhelming, of the infinite golden plains and sky that often seems perpetually overcast upon landing. A country I once accepted wholeheartedly suddenly seems inadequate and I wonder why I am not anywhere else. But this time was different : riding home just after midnight with Mama, to a home-cooked meal and my kittens who had long forgotten I ever existed --- the familiarity was nice, but my expectations were exceeded and I think that’s what was so magical. But there is danger in that realisation, because expectations weren’t made to be met, instead they encourage a sense of disappointment before anything has even happened --- because the truth is you didn’t really know what you wanted in the first place. You just thought you did. And out of the million different happy endings, you didn’t get the one you fixated on but that doesn’t mean you’re not in the middle of a fairytale. It’s not the end until it’s the end, you know? And trust me, you’ll know.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to set the world on fire. But, at the same time - I didn’t want anybody to know it was me. I’ve always found some kind of shame in acknowledging my own existence, for all its mistakes and all its negativity and all its imperfections -- I guess you could say I don’t even know the meaning of self-love. For every positive can be, not outweighed but matched, by something negative. Sometimes the constant whirring of my mind alongside my vivid imagination frightens the living daylights out of me. It doesn’t seem there’s much to do but run. Run and remain remote, away from the temptation of judging others subsequent to judging myself. I can’t apologise enough, but I can try to be better. This is my year, and I’m going to try and try again. For as long as it takes.

Love,

A

# 64 || " WHEREVER YOU ARE, BE ALL THERE "

“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but the attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”

The other week I decided that disappointment is all inside your head.That what you expect from the world, when you let your imagination run wild all around the world and then what is written in the stars lets you down — none of it is the slightest bit real. It is one of those instances where emotions outshine reality* when it should be the other way around. But *by reality I mean fantasy and really it is okay to daydream every damn day so long as you don’t let yourself fill up with too much sorrow when it doesn’t happen exactly how it does in your handwritten fairytale. 

Maybe the magic is where you were when you were all there. The magic wasn’t then and it isn’t to come, but it is here where you are right now. There it is, that moment you wake up and wonder where you are. It’s there when you wander the aisles at the supermarket. It’s there out in the big bad world when you look up and see somebody looking at you, acknowledging your presence. It’s there a split second before and after you let yourself feel bitter at the chill of everybody else and their misunderstanding and your misunderstanding of them. 

You don’t have to remember compassion all the time, but just once in awhile and you’ll be just fine. Animosity is just a symptom of fallacy :: you don’t understand and you forgot to slide off your sneakers and slip your feet into their shoes. I forget, all too often, my core belief that you’ll never truly, intimately, be able to comprehend the intentions of others and for that reason alone, you have little place to judge their motivation and moral. I’m sorry for every occasion that I didn’t remember where you were coming from, I’m sorry for every time I let my intuition trump my intelligence. But you didn’t know, or even care to know, how much those moments meant to me. 

Every night, every day, every cigarette, every sideways glance, every text message, everyday. That shiver as soon as I wake up, with a chill that would last for hours, has only just started to subside and there you go again. I’ve always said that finality in an actual form is an extremely rare occurrence, but now I’m pretty close to done. This conclusion has little to do with that infinity, and more to do with fear. It's terrifying to be misunderstood, to speak words that make sense only to you. Fingers crossed this fear inspires a little more patience than yesterday, and a little more empathy than yester-year.        

" --and that part of persevering meant getting past moments just like this one, when people made you feel small, unlovable, and took away your confidence. ” -- Jeffrey Eugenides, The Marriage Plot

xo, A

 

 

"WHATEVER THE PRESENT MOMENT CONTAINS,

ACCEPT IT AS IF YOU HAD CHOSEN IT."

                                                    ~ ECKHART TOLLE

# 63 || “It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”

It feels like a lifetime since I’ve put pen to paper and scribbled down anything at all, really. But over the last few weeks spent growing out my hair, unrolling my yoga mat in a hot and humid studio every other day, re-assessing my priorities and figuring out where I truly belong - I might even be feeling better than I have in years. Every December writing resolutions for the new year is one of my very favourite things, but deep down inside me I knew this year had to be different than all the others. So whether this entry matches all of the words preceding it, and whether it makes any sense — — — I decided to write and share my reminders, rather than resolutions, for 2 0 1 5 :

i. Don’t forget, through every other emotion - your family will be there for you in the end, if not before or during the deluge. That’s a pretty safe bet and if I were you, I wouldn’t take those odds for granted.

ii. Don’t forget, “if you stay still, earth buries you, ready or not.”

iii. Don’t forget, with a head and a heart and a conscience, that you’re just as important as everybody else.

iv. Don’t forget what Annie Dillard said : “There are 1, 198, 500, 000 people alive now in China. To get a feel for what that means, simply take yourself - in all your singularity, importance, complexity, and love - and multiply it by 1,198,500,000. See? Nothing to it.”

v. Don’t forget, “Beginning is easy - Continuing is hard.”

I’ll never forget that one time I actually did my weekly readings for a class ; POLS2105 or something like that. Genocide Post-1945. I read what Annie Dillard said and it changed just about everything. Before that I was shy out of shame and self-deprecation, not out of some kind of strange humility that reminded me of every other beating heart in the world that might need more attention than me. For many things there are reasons behind them and you should try to understand before you come to your own conclusions. And for the reasonless other things you simply need to accept everybody else for their differences and decisions. I can’t forget that. For disappointment is one of my primary weaknesses. Disappointment in others precipitates disappointment in myself, and if not for apathy and detachment - I don’t know how I would make it through each and every day. But what needs to change this year is replacing indifference for a surrender to my own shortcomings. 

Writing this I am reminded of the Serenity Prayer and perhaps if I should forget everything, I should not forget this :  

"God, give me grace to accept with serenity,

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

And the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other."

because “For every ailment under the sun There is a remedy, or there is none ; If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it.”And with those words in mind, and a mini trip over-the-sea to look forward to, I think this year is going to turn out exactly as it should. Because while I can’t yet sincerely abolish all of the dreams and desires that make me a human being, I can reassure myself that what is real is the intention to be better. Not whether or not I had the strength or courage to be. 

"

How selfish it is
to crave
someone

like they were
yours
to miss at all.

" — Michelle K., But I Am Selfish.

Love,

A

# 62 || THE BITTERSWEET BETWEEN MY TEETH

sweetheart, bitter heart : now i can't tell you apart ( parte deux (( ou trois? )) )   

Sometimes it feels like all the words of wisdom I've ever been told, won't ever stop swimming inside the infinite ocean that is my mind and the crazy imagination that accompanies it. With the most humble intentions, I am offered words of wisdom advising me how to react to the confusion that seems to constantly perplex my psyche. All I want is to learn and understand how I can be the best possible human being I can be in this life, but it seems to be one hindrance after the other : physically, mentally and emotionally.

Lately this reality seems all too much to handle. The power and intensity of people and our unbounded potential is almost petrifying. Power and control lies in the desired outcome from everything and everybody involved. Take away any loss or gain from any situation and suddenly it has neutralised into something so raw and real, a thousandfold than it was before. Imagine if we indulged in everything we desired because, from the deepest place in our hearts, it was as organic as water flowing down a stream. There is no catch, no personal gain, no advantage. I want to eat a banana because it tastes like my childhood and will make me feel the perfect kind of nostalgic. Forget potassium and the fact that it's summer and bananas aren't a million dollars a milligram at the moment. Do everything for a thousand reasons that are just for you. 


If the only motivation I have at this moment is the curiosity of the things that are yet to come, of the future that hasn't happened and the magic that might mosey my way. If I consistently remind myself that the best is yet to come, then maybe that will incite the hope I need to wake up every morning. It's only Day 4 of this brand new year and I'm scared beyond measure.

xo,
A