# 52 || " all secrets sleep in winter clothes "

Nostalgia, for me, lies in a hereafter that might never come out to play. Do you ever ache for the things we thought we would have time to do and the places we thought we would be able to see? But then the present moment slips between our fingers and suddenly the opportunity is forever lost. In fewer seconds than I have fingers on one hand : there stands a past, a present, and a future. The truth is inconvenient, temperaments transform and emotions you once thought were eternal suddenly don’t even exist and you can’t remember how you thought they ever did. I’m not the only one who is transient, we all have potential to be something we weren’t ever, somebody beyond our wildest dreams —— for better, and for worse.

I remember instances that never actually occurred, they were the daydreams I indulged when my eyes are gazing out somewhere far far away, and my head is even further off, somewhere among the stars. There we were ( toi et moi ), in my daydreams, where we all have wings and I can feel your hand in mine. There are meadows that stretch for days and it’s only nighttime when the clouds miss the stars and the sun howls for the moon. I remember sand between my toes and the wind tangled in my hair along with the sentimental secrets I didn’t think I had to say because I thought we had forever. 

( i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again )

Nothing lasts forever —— for better, and for worse.     

The past is irrelevant if the present can conquer what has happened, and what is yet to come will trump the present. It's never ever too late for redemption and recovery. From the bottom of my heart I believe that time is all we have on our side. I believe that fear and patience and space and settling for something short of what you deserve is incredibly unnecessary when you never ever know what kinds of things will come out to play tomorrow. Love now, love now! Before it's too late.

Lately for me it seems so imperative that I fashion the environment I reside in to reflect everything I’m thinking, it’s necessary that the happiness is present regardless of the set of circumstances. Expect nothing from your circle of comrades, and that includes your lovers, for the transience is beyond our control sometimes. Let solitude become the constant and company become a complement. 

There are nights where it feels like there is a full moon but there isn’t. I’m learning now that winter nights can be just as romantic as laying in a bed with sandy sheets, beach hair and saltwater dreams. Mulled-wine induced blurry conversations with profound fragments that will never ever leave you — — trust is a two way street, don’t ever bargain with secrets and stories that sting to say … I think people become a little selfish when the sun takes a little longer to wake up in the morning.

( image taken by emma matsuda )

I don’t think I have ever been so simultaneously disappointed yet enlightened and inspired by human behaviour as I have this past autumn. But it’s winter now and every day is still so full of surprises. Dear Society, you’re a crazy breed. Love, Afifa x   

# 51 || F L E U R B O N H E U R

“I’m erased. I’m gone. I’m nothing. And then the world is free to flow into me like water into an empty bowl…  And… I see. I hear. 

But not with eyes and ears. I’m not outside my world anymore, and I’m not really inside it either. 

The thing is, there’s no difference between me and the universe. The boundary is gone. I am it and it is me. 

I am a stone, a cactus thorn. 

I am rain. 

I like that most of all, being rain.” 

-- Stargirl, by Jerry Spinelli

( this spontaneous jumble of words is for my dear friend melia, one of my muses )

Seven or eight days ago I realised ( or decided, maybe ) that the things that others say to you, might be more of a reflection of themselves than of who you are. Perhaps it is because the things we feel we are missing, we look for in other people. Maybe everything you say is what you wish might one day be said to you. ( Hello _____, you’re beautiful, I love you, I need you so much closer. ) There is something so comforting about a grey sky and the rain glittering on a silver surface. 

Winter makes me that much more nostalgic - every year when it becomes sweater weather every other day. I can’t stop thinking about all of those once-upon-a-times, when I figured out everything I wanted to be. And then there’s now, when I can see that I’m more than // almost // or just about halfway there. I don’t remember when exactly I decided I wanted to be remembered for how I was, not who or where or what I was, but lately I have been feeling some kind of yearning to reach this equilibrium where even emotional, physical and spiritual hurdles become a neutral. 

Yet, it goes against everything I believe in, as a result of everything I have seen. Perhaps it’s only en hiver when I wish start craving consistency over the only sometimes pleasant whimsicalities of life. While neutrality would erase the deepest feelings of despair when night falls early and you can’t even breathe and you’re too tired to sleep ( and what is a silver lining anyway? ), it would also rob your heart of those days and nights where it seems unquestionably necessary to tell the world you’re over-the-moon happy, where you love everybody and everything makes sense for a minute. The polarities of emotions are essential to empathy and love and life and the endless war of questions and answers and figuring things out at night only to forget them in the morning.

Be content but infinitely curious. There’s never any shame in caring or loving or wishing or dreaming for or about anything more than what everybody else thinks it’s worth. Passion is alluring, and a reason to be thankful is knowing that every single moment in your life has made you everything you are, at this moment. I don’t know how or why, but it all seems pretty magical. !!! “Forever is composed of nows”, so keep only the unspeakable secrets but share your golden thoughts with the ones you love.  

oh, and

PS. dear _______, I forgot to tell you today, but you were in every single one of my dreams this morning and you kept me company all night long. Love, A. #dreamhoppingdames #thankyoudarling 

 ( images by sarah hermans, october 2009 )