Here we are again, caught once more in the in-between. For weeks it feels like I’ve been half-asleep yet simultaneously wide-awake and despite everything: solitude, sleepiness and all that stems from that silly combination, I’m feeling more everything, everything than ever. And that’s a wonderful thing. The mind can manifest all sorts of unimaginable things, both fantastical and frightening. In mere minutes I can regress into the darkest corners of my mind and find myself in a state of pure bliss and inspiration just seconds later. For a little while I wondered if it was just for me, whether this emotive rollercoaster is my own crushing reality. Maybe I’ll forever need constant reassurance and encouraging words, maybe I’ll forever doubt whether or not I am the one human bean in the world who is undeserving of love and a happy ending, maybe I’ll forever trip over, pick myself up and dust myself off forever and ever and ever.
Endurance is everything. With the echo of her voice I persist and persevere, although it still feels like a part of me is missing. Not a huge part, but if it were at all possible to be more than a whole, then the extra little puzzle piece just isn’t there anymore. Like a sun without a sunray or a rose without a leaf - I don’t know, maybe it’s not about adding and expanding and more/more/more/always more, but learning to be less and have less and fine-tune everything that makes me me without altering who I am completely. If I want to have and make and experience magical moments until the day I die, if I want to live in a romantic world where it is okay to feel so deeply one can barely breathe, if I want to have dessert for dinner and wear dirty sneakers every day and not brush my hair e v e r, then so be it.
Forever in a state of longing and in chorus, trying to remember and forget everything - I think after Paris every city might be a little underwhelming. After last night’s dream filled with lovers, love and that feeling of loving and being loved, even if it was just a dream.
Here we are again, c’est l’été///it’s the summertime, and this has always been the most ‘triggering’ nostalgic time of year for me. Perhaps it’s the smoky mornings or the suffocatingly warm nights, perhaps it’s the (treizième) anniversary of falling down the rabbit hole and that embryonic heartache over love and life and the absence of light. And that is my sole endeavour in life: to find the light and share it with the world who are trapped in darkness and/or who need it the most. I hope we find each other, because there is infinite light for you.
Love,
Afifa x
