'Take-Off And Landing'
Perhaps my grad dip was a big effing waste of time, because I don’t love airplanes anymore. The static, the humming, the sound of wind being mechanically propelled into the atmosphere and wheels thumping against the tarmac are all associated with the souls that abandoned me. I don’t think I think about them individually as often as I used to, over time they’ve merged into an achy blur but it still stings the inner corners of my eyeballs when I let my mind wonder why. Why wasn’t I worthy of rememberance? That feeling of feeling so loved and then it all disappearing in an instant - the epitome of too good to be true. Nothing lasts forever. I used to dream of a heart this hard but now I’m scared it will never be soft again. “I love you” doesn’t sound the same leaving my lips as it did before. It is still sincere but I don’t feel it like I did before, I don’t feel the circumference of my heart tugging in every corner, I don’t feel desperate, and I can’t imagine ever feeling like that again.
My life up until now was derived by daydreams that I turned into reality all by myself, and as spectacular as that sounds, it has been at the cost of a lot of sadness and disappointment. But acknowledging this gives me confidence in plotting my next chapter, because I’ve always made it happen and that is what is so special about me, that is my superpower. I create my own current, I am in control even when it seems like I’m not and I am an entity entirely on my own.
While my heart is hard, it can feel warm and I think a lot of things do make me feel warm, which is equally incredible. It’s the momentary love, free from promise and chagrin, free from betrayal. It is the unspoken I-love-you’s, it’s the ease and comfort of coming home to wash the day away and wake up in my cloud-like bedroom as a new little baby bird.
Did this even make any sense? Watch this space.
XOXO, Afifa
