#91 || Au Revoir, Pinot Noir

 
 And To Those I Love, Thanks For Sticking Around ;; 

 

It is surreal to think of how much metamorphosis has taken place in the last year or so [exclusive of the obvious]. One year later my heart feels more calloused than it ever has, transfigured by the severity and disregard of the actions and events that transpired, I didn’t know that places so dark and desperate even existed, ready to welcome lost souls into the alcoves of hopelessness. There lies the kind of loneliness that chills your bones, it’s the solitude that keeps your heart beating slow and steady in the moonlight but fast and rapid during the moments you hear the echoes of the declarations of love and longing that were all just lies and falsehoods in the end. At the worst of times I can’t imagine ever giving anybody the key to my heart ever again, but at the best of times there are moments where you are able to forget how they made you feel. Eventually you start believing that you are the way people treat you, that you are ordinary and forgettable no matter how strong and tenacious you are. It’s not about entitlement but it’s about believing at the bottom of your heart that you’re more deserving of how you feel right now.

I miss you every day but if you only knew how much it hurts and how I don't think I have felt as happy as one year ago today when you were in the passenger seat next to me, assuring me this wouldn't be the last time I saw you ["it's not goodbye, it's i'll see you soon"]. I realise now that even in those moments of complete and utter gratitude that I was able to feel loved and important and alive, that it may have been possible to feel even more grateful and savour the present until there was absolutely no more ecstasy left in that very second. To lose it all at once, it’s such an incredible sensation that I think is all too common in this era where everything and everyone is dispensable.

At the end of this chapter, I’m not leaving you behind in the memories of what happened but out of the one last shred of respect I have for myself, I think I need to relinquish the sympathy and fret of how I never want anybody to feel as sad as I have and as I do, and remember that this separation was your choice. I don’t believe that physical absence should engender amnesia because I treasure each and every single soul I have ever met, I cherish your existence and the beating of your heart and the love you bring to this world. At this moment, I know there is love and hope in the sunsets and sunrises, from my mother and my father and my sisters, from my beloved friends across the ocean and the songs and films that articulate what we’re all too ashamed to share. There is no animosity, only amity that for now will rest in the dormant chambers of my head and my heart. I hope one day that I will understand why it had to hurt so much and I hope that I will never make anybody feel this way.

 

 [ au revoir (for now), A xo ]