#95 || MY LOVE MINE ALL MINE ALL MINE ALL MINE MY LOVE

I feel like I am going around in circles in this life, but this time, in my 34th year, I want the dive down into the darkness to be for the last time. Maybe the way that worked for awhile isn't the answer anymore, maybe the answer is to surrender to the half of my new reality that scares me. Maybe it's about letting the inner child that I have protected for so long, grow up and embrace the plummet of this low so that I can ricochet and experience a high unlike any other.

If I can remember the highs of this year, the takeoffs and landings, the reunions and the re-living of moments I didn't think I would ever have again. The wines and the wisdom, the cups of tea and the walks along the beach, falling asleep with my hands in his and the first kiss after midnight by the water in winter - maybe it offsets the self-deprecation that I didn't think I would ever feel again. The repetitive moments of despair and confusion and sadness and despondence, I have never felt as stupid as I do right now. Age doesn't seem to have brought upon any perception, only this superfluous ache in my bottom lung. How do I turn this around?

Hope exists in that this time next year will be strikingly different to this moment right here, right now. If I close my eyes, I can almost feel my fingertips rest on all that it is in my dreams, all that I think I deserve to wish for in this lifetime. If I strip it all down, it's more simple than I could ever imagine. Why do I always feel the need to over-complicate things? 

The love exists in those that stayed, the light shines in the sun and the stars every day and the ocean under the clouds. Look at the sky (no, but really - look again!), that is for you.

Happy birthday Afifa-in-the-sky, you'll be okay. 

 

Love always,

moi. X

#94 || Weird Goodbyes (feat. Bon Iver)

It’s always  circular, these funks. But this recent orbit has taken longer than before, maybe that is why this dip back into depression has taken me by surprise. The wretched insecurity has been hiding in the tension gathered at the base of my neck, between my shoulders and in my hips.  It is all too rare that I marvel at how far I have come, but simultaneously I feel so heartbroken that there is still where I go when I have nowhere left. I go through waves of pride at my perseverance but the more I learn about the world and all of its complexities, I feel ashamed at how I have over-decorated my heartache. But the one thing that is lurking at the back of my mind is how maybe I am assimilating to those around me, it frightens me more than anything. The thought of being boring absolutely petrifies me. I feel like I am disappearing but not how I ever imagined that I would. As I grow older, the more people I meet and stories I hear, I realise how unimpressive I am. Is the answer to accept that fact or to try and change it? The problem right now is that what I want doesn’t align with what I think I should want, so there is always this underlying sense of guilt accompanying me wherever I go and this apologetic feeling for existing and being the way that I am. I’m sorry that I am too quiet, too brash, too dull, too particular. If you could only see inside my head, if you knew how hard I try every single day – I promise I wish I wasn’t this way. How do I stop feeling like I am deceiving the world about the kind of person I truly am?

 

Yet, in my heart of hearts I still believe that this year is going to be extraordinary. In many ways, it already has been. The places I’ve gone and the places I still have yet to go, the one magic moment that I am manifesting that will surmount anything that has ever happened to me, that moment is still waiting to transpire. So if the inability to like myself is truly the only thing that is irking me at the moment, I do want to celebrate all the other hurdles that I have overcome. I had the enormous privilege of reuniting with some kindred spirits earlier this year and creating memories that a year or so ago I thought would never be possible, I visited and re-visited cities that I thought I never would and plan on wanderlusting a whole lot more. The freedom of my life right now is something I don’t want to seem ungrateful for, because even though half a life-time ago I thought I would be somewhere and someone totally different to where and who I am now, it is still for the better and for that, I am so thankful. 

 You are who you choose to be, Afifa-in-the-sky.