# 67 || "Nothing has changed, except everything."

There’s something about the sea, je ne sais quoi. I think this week was exactly what I needed to start all over again. Without realising, we’re all incredibly forgiving. For me, it’s how I wake up in the morning and swing my feet out from under the covers and greet the world for another new day. Dear Self, forgive me for the mistakes I made yesterday and the day before and last year and that time I cheated at checkers that night with my sister and the time I took the last piece of cake when I thought nobody was looking and blamed it on the cat. Forgiveness is all you’ve got when there’s nothing left to lose. Forgiveness is how you stretch and strengthen your heart.

Slap yourself on the face and remind yourself what is important in this life. Greenery and the sanctity of each individual and their emotional and physical needs, patience and kindness and everything Bon Iver said in that song. Sometimes when I think I can’t cope with it all, those alien days when I feel like I’m not meant to be a part of this earth, I wonder if solitary or societal living makes you a better person. I wonder why it’s so important to me when most days I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job at being a proper human being anyway. 

Acceptance is one thing, metamorphose is another. I am who I am, I’m a little bit bizarre, sometime shy sometimes not, I only like to do my favourite things half the time, I’m bittersweet and my head is so transfixed on what is staring at me point-blank, that I forget about dreams. I know, I know, I know — do you ever feel a little guilty for everything you know, yet curiosity or torpidity or idiocy even, gets the of you and you go ahead and trip in and over every possible mess that you ever could? Intention is something but it isn’t everything. I want to change more than anything. I want to be better than I am today. 

With eyes wide shut, everything is clearer than it was before.  Is there some kind of special meaning when you dream about certain places you thought you’d forgotten and everybody you met along the way? Last night there were guest appearances from people I hardly remember and it was beautiful, it set the scene for the rest of my life, I think. I used to be afraid of everyone but last night reminded me how charming it is to be the one initiating the eye smile and leaning in first for the cheek kiss.

One thing echoing in my head often as of late, is that cliché. Dear A, be yourself. Allow the aesthetic inspiration you see everywhere in the world to reflect in yourself but don’t let it make up everything you are. You are the first thought that crosses your mind in the morning and the last before you go to sleep, you are whatever comes to mind when you’re asked a question or see something that you think is beautiful, you are who you want and try to be if it is an attribute, not a noun.     

"My higher purpose in this life is love. Loving my friends and family, loving the universe, loving science, loving life itself. Just falling in love with everything I do. Life's so confusing and gets hard sometimes but I'm so thankful for this experience, it would be a disservice to how amazing it is and ungrateful of me to wish for anything more." --- Carl Sagan.

Isn't it crazy how your thoughts ebb and flow in a mere month? Let alone seven years. This journal is something I never want to erase. Because it all happened for a reason and it's never too late. Love, Afifa x