# 26 || " you're a wallflower, charlie "

for Victoria Letch, with love.


What sort of legacy do you want to leave behind, how would you like to be remembered? Your career? Your favourite place in the whole world? The song you played when you were almost incurably sad? When I was a little girl, every other day I would ask, "Mummy, am I nice? Do you think the other kids at school think I'm nice?" It's curious that I remember the question but not the response, perhaps that is an allusive suggestion that self-improvement is infinite. Do you think it's really that difficult to live your life in order to be remembered ( if absolutely nothing else ) as the very best kind of person? One compassionate thought, in silence or aloud. One act of charity, be it small or large. One deep breath, you don't need to defend yourself. 



To be judged for the things you choose not to say, rather than the things you do - that is the perk of being a wallflower. If being the serious, quiet, lonely one means that your head gets to race at the speed of light and you can read the world in retrospect, then hip hip hooray ! For all the moments you couldn't find the courage, for all the opportunities you feel you've let slip through your fingers, for all the the things you wish you could have said -- new moments will manifest and you'll have learned your lesson. Creating and keeping a dream inside your soul is not drifting, it is hope, it is patience and it is a virtue. But whatever the space is before the verge of tears, that is my home and I might be stuck there for a little while longer. It's not quite limbo, it's more like breathing underwater. But for what it's worth, an everlasting quasi-funk seems a whole lot better than a fall down the rabbit hole. Though the Alice in me often lusts for the latter. 


"If I go deep into the woods
If I go to this cabin
If I go deep into the woods
If I go will you follow?"
-- Agalloch, This Old Cabin.