# 51 || F L E U R B O N H E U R

“I’m erased. I’m gone. I’m nothing. And then the world is free to flow into me like water into an empty bowl…  And… I see. I hear. 

But not with eyes and ears. I’m not outside my world anymore, and I’m not really inside it either. 

The thing is, there’s no difference between me and the universe. The boundary is gone. I am it and it is me. 

I am a stone, a cactus thorn. 

I am rain. 

I like that most of all, being rain.” 

-- Stargirl, by Jerry Spinelli

( this spontaneous jumble of words is for my dear friend melia, one of my muses )

Seven or eight days ago I realised ( or decided, maybe ) that the things that others say to you, might be more of a reflection of themselves than of who you are. Perhaps it is because the things we feel we are missing, we look for in other people. Maybe everything you say is what you wish might one day be said to you. ( Hello _____, you’re beautiful, I love you, I need you so much closer. ) There is something so comforting about a grey sky and the rain glittering on a silver surface. 

Winter makes me that much more nostalgic - every year when it becomes sweater weather every other day. I can’t stop thinking about all of those once-upon-a-times, when I figured out everything I wanted to be. And then there’s now, when I can see that I’m more than // almost // or just about halfway there. I don’t remember when exactly I decided I wanted to be remembered for how I was, not who or where or what I was, but lately I have been feeling some kind of yearning to reach this equilibrium where even emotional, physical and spiritual hurdles become a neutral. 

Yet, it goes against everything I believe in, as a result of everything I have seen. Perhaps it’s only en hiver when I wish start craving consistency over the only sometimes pleasant whimsicalities of life. While neutrality would erase the deepest feelings of despair when night falls early and you can’t even breathe and you’re too tired to sleep ( and what is a silver lining anyway? ), it would also rob your heart of those days and nights where it seems unquestionably necessary to tell the world you’re over-the-moon happy, where you love everybody and everything makes sense for a minute. The polarities of emotions are essential to empathy and love and life and the endless war of questions and answers and figuring things out at night only to forget them in the morning.

Be content but infinitely curious. There’s never any shame in caring or loving or wishing or dreaming for or about anything more than what everybody else thinks it’s worth. Passion is alluring, and a reason to be thankful is knowing that every single moment in your life has made you everything you are, at this moment. I don’t know how or why, but it all seems pretty magical. !!! “Forever is composed of nows”, so keep only the unspeakable secrets but share your golden thoughts with the ones you love.  

oh, and

PS. dear _______, I forgot to tell you today, but you were in every single one of my dreams this morning and you kept me company all night long. Love, A. #dreamhoppingdames #thankyoudarling 

 ( images by sarah hermans, october 2009 )