# 30 || let me (wander)lust tonight

i. There is this guilt from inactions over actions, for not offering / trying / saying / being more. My conscience fuels the infinite thoughts that process and fight and weave forever until I fall into a restless sleep that regenerates little more than my physical self, but the mental facet of myself seems to be nowhere near the middle of an endless sprint. I want enough time to show my fellow citizens of humanity that I care. I want to redeem myself for the arrows I spit sometimes, because I get scared of silence and the overstimulation that it elicits.

Though, I suppose time is time because of mechanics and physics and gravity and memory - though I'd like to believe the ticking and tocking is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. As a world, we relate to songs and stories and what is showing in the cinema - but are blinded to its occurence in our reality. It's happening throughout, the anguish and anxiety, the misunderstanding, the joy, the magic - but where is the empathy? At the very least, we should and could respect each other a little more.

It's difficult, I know, with all the emotion that fills us up. There is little room for patience, especially if it's free-of-charge. Dear Girl, I urge you to be kind and the days will follow suit. Can you see? Infinity can be measured. It's the light at the end of the tunnel or the golden lining of a cloud. Close your eyes and tell me what colours you see. Maybe I am still figuring out what to do when it's matter over mind and my head is crushing my heart. Faith seems to be a test, but I won't and don't want to lose.

ii. “Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don't know, but it's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.”

--- Jonathan Safran Foer

iii. ( Lately I feel like we're all en route to Something and Somewhere magic, and you must (make)believe it or it won't come true. Maybe you're the luckiest girl in the world and you didn't even know it. Today I am thankful for the incredibly inspiring people that I am lucky to know and the ability to do and dream and develop. May today's gratitude only continue to bloom and remind me that the adventures are only just beginning.