Perhaps it was from May until maybe
even the other day, I woke up in this nightmarish haze where it didn't
seem real that everything had disappeared. People fear the prospect of
abandonment and rejection but to experience it in the abundance that I
did last year -- that unexpected and maybe self-inflicted loss was
unlike anything I could have ever imagined was possible. Then the
sensation suddenly became an addiction ;; I found myself reaching out to
those who I knew didn't want to remember I existed, to hurt my heart
with the feeling of being forgotten, over and over again. Like some kind
of quasi-defense mechanism, it became easier to anticipate heartache
and prompt it, than to even hope for the best.
I'm
learning every day that the unconditional love that exists in songs and
films and storybooks is more rare than I ever thought, it may even be
endangered. We live in a world that is constantly manufacturing copies
and concepts that make individuals less unique and less accommodating to
uniqueness and singularity unless it acts in their favour. We're all so
desperate to make an impression and to be loved that anything is better
than something special, and that doesn't even count the irrational
infatuation that we can't let go of despite all logic and common sense.
There
is a fine balance that can exist but it doesn't, not right now. Loyalty
and security and love mean next to nothing if there isn't anything to
gain from it. We all feel so personally attacked by something so
boundless and immeasurable and unforgiving and undiscriminating. Maybe
it's ego or maybe we're frightened. In this moment, all I know is that
it's okay to change your mind and your opinion and everything you are if
you believe your actions are right and kind and won't break anybody's
heart without reason.
That's all. Love (if it even exists anymore), A. xo
